Managing in the New Normal

Like many of you, I’ve been struggling a lot in the last few months about the world we suddenly live in, not to mention the stressors in my own personal life – an impending move, a new diabetes diagnosis, a work load that only grows with time.

I know I’m not rare in this respect, but I’ve also spent my whole life knowing that standing up for other people in this world, and fighting against injustice are sacred duties, and that I am not the kind of person who is willing to sit back and let those things go unchallenged. So, to me, this is the put up or shut up moment. I’ve been involved for years, and learning and reading and having conversations with people, but it’s a mark of my privilege that THIS is my oh-shit moment. Not five or ten years ago, when the information was out there, but now. I wish it had come sooner, but that ship has sailed.

And it’s hard to balance out the weight of what I feel to be a moral obligation as a human being, with my all-too-human needs and weaknesses.  This is where self-care comes in, and I’m not good at it. Yet.

About the only hing that soothes me, apart from my husband, is crafting. Right now, I’m fresh down the quilting rabbit hole, and I love to sew bags and stuffed animals. I also knit and spin yarn, play the piano, and sometimes paint. And sometimes, when my head is too full, I write to quiet things down between my ears.

So that’s why I’m here.
Last night, I had to drop out of a show that I desperately wanted to be a part of. It is the first time I’ve ever backed out of a show; I’ve toughed it out through shows where I was miserable through half the process because joining a show is a commitment, and not one I have ever taken lightly. But I could feel my anxiety skyrocket as soon as rehearsals started because of the new health habits I am just learning to work back in, and the work load, and the gym schedule, and the plans for the move. And I didn’t want to wait, only to drop the ball at a point where my leaving would be a serious burden on the rest of the cast and the team. So I ripped my own heart out, but I feel like I did the right thing.

It’s toughened my resolve to take better care of myself, though, and to eat right and keep up with my gym routine. The worst thing would be to look back in six months, and feel like I dropped out for nothing.

But it sucked, and I’m gutted. So I came back home, ate a good dinner, and quilted some motherfucking sharks. I’ll start catching up on other things tomorrow.

This is the first time I’ve attempted free-motion quilting. I only have the barest idea how to do it, and obviously I need practice, but I’m still satisfied with it. At it felt good to try something new, and to start a new project. I’ll probably finish it tonight, if I have time after the gym and dinner. More photos forthcoming.